(Originally written October 3rd, 2016)
I haven't written like this in a long time. This won't be the most eloquent thing ever. Before I start, just let me reiterate how much I hate talking about myself in person. I don't ever want to be that guy that just talks about himself, and I never want to be the guy that says things purely to get pity or anything from people. I've learned several times two steadfast rules of thumb in Life: 1. Don't depend on people. 2 Don't expect anything from people. Maybe that's heartless and jaded, but to say the least, so am I at the moment, which is why I'm writing this. Anyone who knows me knows I'm already not expressive or emotional or animated 98% of the time. I have a bad habit of internalizing everything. Everything. I'm basically a robot. Or, I guess, technically a cyborg. I've been so concerned with not being negative or putting anyone on blast, or being overdramatic, that I've kept everything that's occurred in my Life particularly within the last 4 months bottled up, and it is rotting my soul, just like the brilliant picture above of the bolts illustrates. The bright, shiny bolt was me 10 months ago; the rusted, decaying mess is me right now.
The Killing Joke
In the comic and the movie adaption of "Batman: The Killing Joke", the eponymous, infamous Joker shoots Barbara Gordon/Batgirl in the spine right in front of her father, Commissioner Gordon, paralyzing her, then strips her naked and takes pictures of her. He then captures Gordon and strips him naked and sends him on a sadistic ride on a roller coaster through a funhouse at a carnival, which also has a hallway showcasing the pictures he took of Barbara. His entire reason for doing this was to drive Commissioner Gordon insane, telling Batman, "I've demonstrated there's no difference between me and everyone else! All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day."
Now of course, that's all fiction. But let's take someone real for example; like Charles Manson. Manson, like the Joker, has virtually no conscience, remorse, or empathy whatsoever, and psychopathic behavior is expected of people like this. But what happens when you do have a conscience? Despite how destroyed you are, you still know what's right. Every day is a struggle. Your old self and new self, or your real self and current self, are in a battle, and you feel exhausted and just about hopeless every day. Let me tell you about my bad day. My intention is not to put someone on blast, but to tell the story, I have to tell the story. At this point, I don't care if it offends anyone or makes me any enemies. I am wounded, but I am telling the 100% objective, true account.
Prologue: A Bad Day
To set the stage, let's rewind a bit first. Last summer, I had a kidney stone (which is a whole other fun story). I graduated last May, 2015. Snorlax (my kidney stone; I named it) hit me in June. I finally passed him in July (after 3 trips to the ER and a surgery). As I was being treated for Snorlax, I was training for a part-time job with KLTV as the GMET (morning show) editor. Here's an embarassing story very few people know (until now). That job is not on my resumé. It lasted for all of two days. The shifts were from 2am-7:30am. I had to get up at 1am, get home at 8am, take a nap, get up still exhausted, then go to bed at like 6pm. During this time, my brother Travis Jones bought a home in Flint and moved out. The day I quit KLTV, I had a small nervous breakdown. I felt like a failure. I never thought I was going to get a full-time job or progress in Life. Thankfully, Providence never wastes a hurt. That breakdown is the thing that finally got me chasing after the Lord and actually developing my spiritual Life. I started reading the Bible daily and started reading The Purpose Driven Life. I started crashing with my brother in September, and got my first full-time big boy job as the Café Team Leader at Target, and put in my two weeks at Holiday Inn Tyler - South Broadway.
I was finally on a good walk with the Lord, I had a full-time job, I was totally content with being single and unfettered like the apostle Paul, and I was truly happy an joyful, even with my stressful middle management retail job. I had been single for two and a half years. Christmas came around, and I began talking to a girl that my mom met a while back at a Bible study. We got coffee at Fresh by Brookshire's on January 1st of this year. On the 8th, we went shooting, and I asked her out. We had an amazing 11 days together before she had to go away for 3 months to school. We had both been single for a good while before each other, and we were pretty serious from the very beginning. Over the course of 3 months long distance, we were doing a Proverbs devotion together, sent letters and gifts, and fell deeper and deeper in love. A diehard hopeless romantic had been awakened from deep inside of me, and I was truly in love. I honestly believed with everything in me that this was the girl the Lord wanted me to marry. I was so sure, being a crazy idiot I am, I even bought an engagement ring when she was gone. That ring has since been sold.
THE Bad Day
Before she even returned in April, I felt a distance between us. There's no sensible way to say it other than things just didn't feel right. Things felt noticeably different than ever before. That feeling only grew once she returned. She felt more distant than when she was 800 miles away. May 26th, we were supposed to have a double date dinner at the place of a couple-friend of mine. She tells me to come over early because she "has something I want to talk about". Anyone who isn't brain-dead knows that's a bad sentence. Long story short, I get there and she sits on the couch like a block of ice and dumps me, telling me she "has too much going on," she "shouldn't be dating anyone right now", "we moved too fast," and "God doesn't want me to be with anyone right now." Remember this last part for later. I left the house and drove home in the rain. I spent the next two weeks having to tell everyone what happened and seeking counsel from my friends and mentors.
Right now I am in Westcliffe, Colorado. In mid-August, I was telling one of my frientors how obviously burnt out with everything I was, and the only thing I wanted to do was ministry. I went from enjoying my job and using every day to make people happy and giving freebies to cute kids to hating every second and wishing death on everyone that bothered me with wanting popcorn and coke. Never get into middle management retail. Worse than the customers was managing people who wouldn't show up to work and ruined my life. ANYWAY. My frientor told me to talk to someone at my church who worked at Sky Ranch in the past, so I talked to this guy, and he pointed to me to Person A at the Van base, who told me about a paid internship program called the Legacy Fellowship, and that the only location hiring for it at the time was Westcliffe. So Person A got me in touch with Person B, my current boss, the head of the Fellowship up here, and offered me the job. I had two weeks to pack up, say all my goodbyes, and move to Colorado. Now remember the breakup. By this time, I was doing well getting over her. I even wrote her a letter explaining my current situation, because one point of contention was that I would jokingly mention moving to Colorado because I hated #ETX weather so much, but I never actually thought it would happen.
SO, one night, I was having dinner with my wonderful, beautiful Christian Heritage School - Tyler Class of 2010 classmates/besties, when one of my friends accidentally dropped a bomb on me that the girl who I thought I was going to marry who dumped me because "God didn't want her to be with anyone", is dating someone who works at a coffee shop in town. No less than 3 months later. She destroyed me. Ever since that breakup, I have not willingly picked up my Bible to read it, and I have hardly prayed. The will is gone. The joy is gone. There is aimlesness, bitterness, and pain. I still get struck with flashbacks of sweet moments between us, then snap back to reality with the suffocating sting that somebody could throw that away like it was absolutely nothing. Maybe I'm being dramatic, but maybe I haven't been dramatic enough. Like I said earlier, I know this isn't right. I know I shoudn't be shying from the Word, or Prayer, and I know all women aren't heartless liars. But this is the conflict of the current me and the me I want to be; the me I was 10 months ago. I can't even enjoy my favorite month, my birthday month, right now. I was assisting a 5th & 6th grade Sunday school class before I left. I have a figurative little brother and little sister that I love to death and for whom I'm supposed to be a role model and spiritual leader. I can't teach kids or be a role model when I'm so full of bitterness that I can't even touch my Bible or pray.
Epilogue
However, believe it or not, there's a somewhat happy ending to this note, letter, whatever. Like I said, the Lord never wastes a hurt. I am not a good person, but I know when I feel the Lord tugging on me. This opportunity at Sky Ranch was absolute Providence. I needed to hit the reset button and get away from Tyler, as much as I do love and miss some people to death. I am, slowly but surely, healing. This wound will eventually heal into another (large) scar of experience and wisdom for posterity and everyone else. And maybe I'm a jerk for saying some of the things I said. Oh well.
Seriously. It's been a great experience so far. These are amazing people. Plus my Lord the cute chipmunks and bunny rabbits and deer everywhere. AND LLAMAS. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I hate asking people for things, but I could definitely use some prayer at this point in my Life. I'm definitely in a valley right now. Isn't my first time, probably won't be my last. God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Snake: "Am I going to die?" Big Boss: "Everyone dies. You can't stop it. You can't run away from it. Let me tell you something. Don't... Don't waste the time you have left, fighting." "The stone which the builders rejected has now become the cornerstone." - #Psalm 118:22
"Sometimes, the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe in the most...that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money - money and power - mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love... true love never dies. You remember that, boy. You remember that. Doesn't matter if it's true or not, you see. A man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in." - Hub McCann, Secondhand Lions
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." - #IITimothy 1:7
"I don't have friends. I got family." - Dominic Toretto (Character)
I haven't written like this in a long time. This won't be the most eloquent thing ever. Before I start, just let me reiterate how much I hate talking about myself in person. I don't ever want to be that guy that just talks about himself, and I never want to be the guy that says things purely to get pity or anything from people. I've learned several times two steadfast rules of thumb in Life: 1. Don't depend on people. 2 Don't expect anything from people. Maybe that's heartless and jaded, but to say the least, so am I at the moment, which is why I'm writing this. Anyone who knows me knows I'm already not expressive or emotional or animated 98% of the time. I have a bad habit of internalizing everything. Everything. I'm basically a robot. Or, I guess, technically a cyborg. I've been so concerned with not being negative or putting anyone on blast, or being overdramatic, that I've kept everything that's occurred in my Life particularly within the last 4 months bottled up, and it is rotting my soul, just like the brilliant picture above of the bolts illustrates. The bright, shiny bolt was me 10 months ago; the rusted, decaying mess is me right now.
The Killing Joke
In the comic and the movie adaption of "Batman: The Killing Joke", the eponymous, infamous Joker shoots Barbara Gordon/Batgirl in the spine right in front of her father, Commissioner Gordon, paralyzing her, then strips her naked and takes pictures of her. He then captures Gordon and strips him naked and sends him on a sadistic ride on a roller coaster through a funhouse at a carnival, which also has a hallway showcasing the pictures he took of Barbara. His entire reason for doing this was to drive Commissioner Gordon insane, telling Batman, "I've demonstrated there's no difference between me and everyone else! All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day."
Now of course, that's all fiction. But let's take someone real for example; like Charles Manson. Manson, like the Joker, has virtually no conscience, remorse, or empathy whatsoever, and psychopathic behavior is expected of people like this. But what happens when you do have a conscience? Despite how destroyed you are, you still know what's right. Every day is a struggle. Your old self and new self, or your real self and current self, are in a battle, and you feel exhausted and just about hopeless every day. Let me tell you about my bad day. My intention is not to put someone on blast, but to tell the story, I have to tell the story. At this point, I don't care if it offends anyone or makes me any enemies. I am wounded, but I am telling the 100% objective, true account.
Prologue: A Bad Day
To set the stage, let's rewind a bit first. Last summer, I had a kidney stone (which is a whole other fun story). I graduated last May, 2015. Snorlax (my kidney stone; I named it) hit me in June. I finally passed him in July (after 3 trips to the ER and a surgery). As I was being treated for Snorlax, I was training for a part-time job with KLTV as the GMET (morning show) editor. Here's an embarassing story very few people know (until now). That job is not on my resumé. It lasted for all of two days. The shifts were from 2am-7:30am. I had to get up at 1am, get home at 8am, take a nap, get up still exhausted, then go to bed at like 6pm. During this time, my brother Travis Jones bought a home in Flint and moved out. The day I quit KLTV, I had a small nervous breakdown. I felt like a failure. I never thought I was going to get a full-time job or progress in Life. Thankfully, Providence never wastes a hurt. That breakdown is the thing that finally got me chasing after the Lord and actually developing my spiritual Life. I started reading the Bible daily and started reading The Purpose Driven Life. I started crashing with my brother in September, and got my first full-time big boy job as the Café Team Leader at Target, and put in my two weeks at Holiday Inn Tyler - South Broadway.
I was finally on a good walk with the Lord, I had a full-time job, I was totally content with being single and unfettered like the apostle Paul, and I was truly happy an joyful, even with my stressful middle management retail job. I had been single for two and a half years. Christmas came around, and I began talking to a girl that my mom met a while back at a Bible study. We got coffee at Fresh by Brookshire's on January 1st of this year. On the 8th, we went shooting, and I asked her out. We had an amazing 11 days together before she had to go away for 3 months to school. We had both been single for a good while before each other, and we were pretty serious from the very beginning. Over the course of 3 months long distance, we were doing a Proverbs devotion together, sent letters and gifts, and fell deeper and deeper in love. A diehard hopeless romantic had been awakened from deep inside of me, and I was truly in love. I honestly believed with everything in me that this was the girl the Lord wanted me to marry. I was so sure, being a crazy idiot I am, I even bought an engagement ring when she was gone. That ring has since been sold.
THE Bad Day
Before she even returned in April, I felt a distance between us. There's no sensible way to say it other than things just didn't feel right. Things felt noticeably different than ever before. That feeling only grew once she returned. She felt more distant than when she was 800 miles away. May 26th, we were supposed to have a double date dinner at the place of a couple-friend of mine. She tells me to come over early because she "has something I want to talk about". Anyone who isn't brain-dead knows that's a bad sentence. Long story short, I get there and she sits on the couch like a block of ice and dumps me, telling me she "has too much going on," she "shouldn't be dating anyone right now", "we moved too fast," and "God doesn't want me to be with anyone right now." Remember this last part for later. I left the house and drove home in the rain. I spent the next two weeks having to tell everyone what happened and seeking counsel from my friends and mentors.
Right now I am in Westcliffe, Colorado. In mid-August, I was telling one of my frientors how obviously burnt out with everything I was, and the only thing I wanted to do was ministry. I went from enjoying my job and using every day to make people happy and giving freebies to cute kids to hating every second and wishing death on everyone that bothered me with wanting popcorn and coke. Never get into middle management retail. Worse than the customers was managing people who wouldn't show up to work and ruined my life. ANYWAY. My frientor told me to talk to someone at my church who worked at Sky Ranch in the past, so I talked to this guy, and he pointed to me to Person A at the Van base, who told me about a paid internship program called the Legacy Fellowship, and that the only location hiring for it at the time was Westcliffe. So Person A got me in touch with Person B, my current boss, the head of the Fellowship up here, and offered me the job. I had two weeks to pack up, say all my goodbyes, and move to Colorado. Now remember the breakup. By this time, I was doing well getting over her. I even wrote her a letter explaining my current situation, because one point of contention was that I would jokingly mention moving to Colorado because I hated #ETX weather so much, but I never actually thought it would happen.
SO, one night, I was having dinner with my wonderful, beautiful Christian Heritage School - Tyler Class of 2010 classmates/besties, when one of my friends accidentally dropped a bomb on me that the girl who I thought I was going to marry who dumped me because "God didn't want her to be with anyone", is dating someone who works at a coffee shop in town. No less than 3 months later. She destroyed me. Ever since that breakup, I have not willingly picked up my Bible to read it, and I have hardly prayed. The will is gone. The joy is gone. There is aimlesness, bitterness, and pain. I still get struck with flashbacks of sweet moments between us, then snap back to reality with the suffocating sting that somebody could throw that away like it was absolutely nothing. Maybe I'm being dramatic, but maybe I haven't been dramatic enough. Like I said earlier, I know this isn't right. I know I shoudn't be shying from the Word, or Prayer, and I know all women aren't heartless liars. But this is the conflict of the current me and the me I want to be; the me I was 10 months ago. I can't even enjoy my favorite month, my birthday month, right now. I was assisting a 5th & 6th grade Sunday school class before I left. I have a figurative little brother and little sister that I love to death and for whom I'm supposed to be a role model and spiritual leader. I can't teach kids or be a role model when I'm so full of bitterness that I can't even touch my Bible or pray.
Epilogue
However, believe it or not, there's a somewhat happy ending to this note, letter, whatever. Like I said, the Lord never wastes a hurt. I am not a good person, but I know when I feel the Lord tugging on me. This opportunity at Sky Ranch was absolute Providence. I needed to hit the reset button and get away from Tyler, as much as I do love and miss some people to death. I am, slowly but surely, healing. This wound will eventually heal into another (large) scar of experience and wisdom for posterity and everyone else. And maybe I'm a jerk for saying some of the things I said. Oh well.
Seriously. It's been a great experience so far. These are amazing people. Plus my Lord the cute chipmunks and bunny rabbits and deer everywhere. AND LLAMAS. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I hate asking people for things, but I could definitely use some prayer at this point in my Life. I'm definitely in a valley right now. Isn't my first time, probably won't be my last. God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Snake: "Am I going to die?" Big Boss: "Everyone dies. You can't stop it. You can't run away from it. Let me tell you something. Don't... Don't waste the time you have left, fighting." "The stone which the builders rejected has now become the cornerstone." - #Psalm 118:22
"Sometimes, the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe in the most...that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money - money and power - mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love... true love never dies. You remember that, boy. You remember that. Doesn't matter if it's true or not, you see. A man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in." - Hub McCann, Secondhand Lions
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." - #IITimothy 1:7
"I don't have friends. I got family." - Dominic Toretto (Character)
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